Christmas Superfreak

I am crazy about Christmas…and that’s an understatement. Think of Scooby Doo when he is so hungry and spots a Scooby snack. That’s me when I get to take out the Christmas decorations. 

Growing up, everyone was super busy. But when that magical time of year came around, our energy became focused on attending church programs, family gatherings, practicing for school concerts and everything felt so peaceful. I find the older I get, the more nostalgic I get for the days of yesteryear. 

No no, not for the fashion aspects of my childhood. Although, I could rock a Garanimals outfit like a mutha. I miss the crazy family gatherings. I miss my grandma’s scalloped potatoes. And dammit, I miss flipping through the Sears Christmas Wish Book.  

I miss the simpler times. You know, the times when riots weren’t started over cashiers saying happy holidays or debates over the coffee cup at Starbucks. Of course, the simpler times also meant going to the store to pick up gifts. As opposed to ordering them off an app, then staking out your front door to intercept your Amazon deliveries so they’re not stolen off your porch. All I know is this is the most magical time of year to me. 

And, yes, I know the real reason for Christmas. I’ve watched the Charlie Brown Christmas Special and know all about it😉

Day 31 – Whole 30: Whoomp!  There it is! 

I did it! I ate clean, healthy, homecooked fully compliant Whole 30 foods for 30 days. I freaking did it! I never believed that I could do it. And that means that today, I was allowed to weigh in. 

And…drumroll…I lost 20 pounds. In 30 days. Holy crapballs Batman! I also just took a bite of chocolate and it tastes not good. 

Let’s be frank and talk about how different I feel than 31 days ago. My clothes are bigger. In fact, I had to dig out smaller clothes because my butt was hanging down past my knees. And the penguin look is so 1988. 

My hair stopped falling out, my skin looks better, my cankles disappeared, my blood pressure dropped 30 points, sugar cravings disappeared and I no longer desire potato chips. And let me tell ya people, I used to Hoover potato chips like a mofo. 

Honestly, I feel effing amazing. The only issue I’ve had is with digestion. It’s getting better. It was pretty bad there for a week solid but my body has just undergone a huge change.  My system has been subjected to an entirely new frenzy of ingredients.  It’s learning what to do with carrot infused marinara sauce as opposed to that not so secret sauce from a Big Mac. 

My diet buddy S also feels amazing. We are going to a slightly modified Whole 30 (meh, more Paleo than Whole 30) from now until the new year. Then January 2, we’ll start a new round. 

I NEVER, EVER want to eat like I did before. I want to keep this new me.  Because I’m worth it.  And because I feel so freaking amazing!  

Day 27 – Whole 30: Hangin’ Tough

I like this diet. I said it. I’ve proved that I can stay on a strict, simple, no frills diet for this long. And you know what? I’m in no rush to stop it. Tuesday is Day 30 and it means little to me. On Day 31, I can weigh in and as much as I’d like to see if I’ve lost weight, this has become more than the scale. 

It’s become more than using strips of bacon to wipe away my tears because I’m hungry. It’s more than standing in front of the hubs, glaring at him, telling him he eats candy just to hurt me. And it’s so much more than looking at olive oil and hating it because it’s not butter. 

It’s about this: giving my gut a rest from junk, withholding my paycheck from McDonald’s, cooking myself fresh foods for a month, and, most importantly, making myself a priority.  

S and I are planning on our next Whole 30. And we plan to at least follow this plan loosely through the holidays. 

Don’t get me wrong. As much as I’ve raved about this diet, I’m dying for a bite of cheese. Now excuse me, I have to go bust open some eggs. 

Day 24 – Whole 30:  I’ve got this!  

I’m in the home stretch baby cakes!  Six days left to go. These past 5 days have been rough, ahem, digestively.  I knew it would hit me. When you eat garbage every day for months at a stretch and then jump into healthy eating, your body starts releasing all that pent up junk. And as soon as it releases it, your gut wants it out of there. And there she blows matey. 

I was so sick on Monday that I couldn’t go to work. Because, frankly, no one wants to walk up to their boss and say, “hey, I just sneezed so I have to go home and change my pants.”  I say this not to discourage anyone.  This has been worth it. I’m seeing real change. Today, several people asked me if I was losing weight. I say it to tell you to take this into consideration. 

My buddy S told me that she has lost her desire to drink pop and eat chocolate. And she also received some great health news as well! 

My sugar cravings have also started to subside. And they were bad. I was so stressed and uber bitchy from sugar withdrawal that I caught the hubs in a corner of the kitchen eating chips because he was afraid I’d junk punch him. But I’ve got this. I’m not afraid. I did have a Day 31 celebratory gorge fest planned but now I don’t care to eat any of that junk. 

Not that I’m not (double negative, you’re welcome) looking forward to eating nachos someday but I’m going to be looking for veggie loaded nacho recipes. 

Gotta go.  My baby carrots need this mama! 

Day 20 – Whole 30: Are we there yet?

I’m dying for a piece of bread. I told the hubs that I can’t do this anymore and he talked me off the ledge.  I cannot believe how much I am controlled by my cravings. 

You know those packages of food that have a list of 20+ ingredients that you can’t pronounce? Those are made in a lab. Their use has two purposes: they’re cheap and they get you addicted. And I lived on that crap. 

Food is an industry. I remember our neighborhood grocery store when I was a kid. Just a small little store. Maybe 2 or 3 aisles of boxed/canned foods. A huge section for produce and the meat aisle ran the length of the store. My point? The bulk of that building was devoted to pure foods. Nowadays, you have aisle after aisle of convenience foods. 

This has been my experience so far:

  • My complexion looks better
  • My blood pressure has dropped
  • I have more energy
  • I’m sleeping better
  • I fit into a pair of jeans that I haven’t been able to wear in a very long time. 
  • (Now to be a downer) my digestion is still a mess
  • None of the sinus issues I have that I was told were tied to sugar have gone away
  • I can’t keep up with housework because I’m constantly washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen.  
  • I am having cravings for pizza and chocolate like a mofo
  • I still have 10 more days

Look, I know I sound like that fat kid from Harry Potter, bitching and moaning about everything.  But this is tough. It’s been a complete lifestyle change. I have 10 days left. I’ll make the most of it. In the meantime, I’ll just keep rubbing candy bars on my face in the checkout line. 

Day 18 – Whole 30:  Sugar and cocaine

I recently read an article that said sugar impacts your brain in the same way that cocaine does and is just as addictive.  I believe it.  I have had fits of sugar cravings. Picture a grown ass woman curled up in the fetal position because everyone else gets to eat candy and she can’t.  It’s kind of a daily occurrence.  

In further news, S has been struggling with chocolate cravings. Today she confided her desperate struggle to me. Total role reversal.  I became the one telling her to get it together.  I’m pretty sure she flipped me off. Now don’t think I wasn’t tempted to tell her to blow it because that meant I could blow this off too and eat everything I could get my hands on. But she stayed strong and guaranteed me that she’s going to hang in there. 

I have noticed that I am sleeping better.  And we’re saving money from not eating out. And… the hubs said he is loving all this home cooking. I also feel like I have more energy in the evenings. In fact, I exercised last night because I couldn’t sit still. Both my dogs paced as if they were witnessing some strange phenomenon in which the treat lady finally pried her butt cheeks from the couch. 

Gotta go. Eat more celery.  

Day 14 – Whole 30: You can’t handle the truth.

I’m halfway done.  I could look at this as I’m only halfway done or yeehaw, I’m halfway done.  Yeah, I’m only halfway done.  I’m at a point where my chipper attitude towards this new plan has gone down the drain.  I want to be done.  I’m sick of reading the ingredients of everything I want to eat.  I’m tired of getting excited that I’ve found an approved bbq sauce only to find sugar on the list.

So I told y’all that I had a health issue that went away.  Which is great.  It makes me happy.  But other than that, I do not see a difference.  Don’t forget, this is an honest, unapologetic review of my experience and I’m not going to lie.  My clothes are not any looser.  I don’t look any different.  I feel moody, irritable, annoyed that I can’t eat pizza and chips and omg, I’m screaming to try that Reese’s peanut butter cup coffee creamer.  And today, at the grocery store, I smacked the hubs because he pointed out Deep Fried Twinkies to me in frozen foods.

I am eating a ton of veggies.  Know what’s bad about having to eat so many veggies?  You have to keep fresh veggies in the house which means going to the grocery store often.  There are few things in this world that I abhor more than grocery shopping.

I checked in with my Whole 30 buddy S.  S is not struggling at all.  In fact, she doesn’t see what the big deal is.  I remind myself, S is younger than me, thinner than me, and ate a whole lot better than I did.  But for me, the FREAKING STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Here is S.  Enjoying her Whole 30 experience.

And here’s me.  Picture it:  Woman on diet in 2017.

I went through this crazy sugar craving stage.  Then, I went through a dairy stage.  Now I’m back to I just want to eat everything stage.  I’m hanging on because I need to prove to myself that I can do it.  I really do not find myself just plain hungry.  I find myself pouting because I’m not eating what I really want to eat.  And I’ve discovered some recipes that are really good.  And I guess I do get a certain satisfaction of creating a 5 ingredient home cooked meal as opposed to something frozen that looks like the chem team at NASA developed the ingredients.

I have 16 more days left.  16 more days to endure what I can’t have.  16 more days of living off of home cooked, freshly prepared, wholesome ingredient foods.  But as God as my witness, in that 16 days if there is a food breakthrough of kale that tastes like candy corn,  you’ll find me in produce doing this:

Whole 30 Day 9 – I’m hungry. What’re you looking at? 

It is Day 9. According to Whole 30, by day 10 and 11, you are most likely to quit. I can see why. I’m hungry. And if you even tell me to drink more water, I’m going to punch you in the face. 

I’m tired.  But it’s fall and getting darker early but I’d rather blame the fact that I could be shot gunning candy corn right now. Omg. The sugar. It’s all I want. And it’s Halloween so it’s freaking everywhere. 

Why is there no damn acceptable form of chocolate? SOMEONE INVENT APPROVED CHOCOLATE! 

There’s a Halloween parade in my town right now and I didn’t go because I had visions of myself beating a Teletubby to death with his own bag of Tootsie Rolls. 

Gotta go. Need to spank a Larabar. 

Whole 30…and the beat goes on…

Day 6 is here! I don’t think I’ve ever been this committed to a plan such as this. I have to give a big thank you to my diet buddy S.  She really keeps me in check. Not to say I haven’t had my struggles. I came home the other night and the hubs had made pizza. (Note: the hubs has been EXTREMELY considerate but he is not doing the challenge.  And I don’t expect him to.)

I’ve had two major struggles: sugar and bread. And sugar is in bread so that explains that. Actually, sugar is in everything. Everything! Even items marked as sweetened with Stevia or Splenda still have sugar in them. (I’m aware Splenda is a sugar derivative. )

I did score a major victory. Bacon. I finally found uncured, no sugar bacon. I fried up a few slices and dipped it in my guacamole. I’d never eaten anything so delicious. Could be the hunger talking. I said the same thing about the cranberries I put in my almond butter the other day.

I’ve also had an NSV (the plan terms these as non scale victories because weighing yourself during the 30 days is forbidden forcing you to look at other signs that you’re succeeding).  I’ve been having issues with my legs for the past 4 years and guess what. By Day 4, it was gone. I won’t go into details because, well, boundaries people, but I’m thrilled with this NSV.  

Later today we have a family function and it’s going to be tough but I’m not giving in. When the food breaks out, I’m going to head over and distract myself with my in law’s new puppy. Puppies don’t judge☺

Day 2 and 3 – Whole 30:  Bonzai Danielson! 

I tried to post last night about Day 2 but Facebook wouldn’t allow it and I was too tired to try again. Day 2 left me feeling blah. I was drained physically, emotionally and hungry. Remember in Apollo 13 when the guy says he’s so hungry, he could eat the ass off a dead rhinoceros?  I could identify with his plight. And…I broke down and cheated in the form of a cake pop. It was the hubs’ birthday and he looked so sad and lonely eating his lil cake pop by himself. He insisted he was fine (I could tell it was denial, he needed me to eat that sugar).  It so wasn’t worth it. The satisfaction was fleeting and replaced by guilt. And I was still hungry. I crashed out early. I was exhausted.  

That brings me to today, Day 3. I feel pretty good! I wasn’t hungry all day and made myself eat lunch. A quick trip to Wal Mart ruined all that. I walked by the in store Subway. As they were baking bread. I was suddenly Nancy Kerrigan on the floor screaming why, why, why. 

At Wal Mart,  I found some sausage I can have and LaraBars!  Honestly, if I hadn’t found those LaraBars, y’all would be reading Yahoo about the woman who catapulted herself over the Subway counter and punched a bread oven while yelling “bonzai Danielson!”.  Crisis averted. I don’t know who Lara is but damnnn girl, your bars are good. And kept me out of prison! 

I wouldn’t say the suffering has been suffering. I’ve been on far more restrictive diets and done more degrading things for carbs. But then again, it’s only Day 3😉

Let this tie you over until tomorrow…