Vegetables are my friend…or so I’m told

I get vegetables.  I do.  They are vital to my existence.  I have to eat them if I want to be healthy.  And there are vegetables that I like. And there are vegetables that I don’t like.  Cactus, anyone?  Here’s the catch: as a female adult (physically, not mentally) the government, health officiandos, annoying people who love every vegetable known to man and my doctor say that I should be eating 5 cups of vegetables.  Every day.

Challenge accepted.  I started eating vegetables.  No, I started devouring vegetables.  Any idea what happens to a person that has steadily maintained a fatty diet for several years who up and switches to an abundance of vegetables?  No?  Let me tell you.  Gas.  And I don’t mean “oooh, did that little squeaker just come from me?”  Oh no, I mean “did anyone hear a sonic boom or did I eat too much broccoli again?”

This gas is painful, loud and angry.  It wants to be heard.  My body wants everyone to know that I ate cabbage again.  I like to envision that this is happening inside of me:

Kidneys:  Ewww, what are you?

Spinach:  Well hello there sweet thang.  My name is Spinach.  After ignoring me for years, this dumbass has finally realized that she needs me.  So I am here to rock your world kidneys.  (Did I mention spinach talks like Barry White?)

Kidneys:  Yeah, we are heavily involved in a relationship with MSG and whatever the hell McDonald’s puts into quarter pounders this week, so, um, not interested.

Spinach:  Oh but baby, you’re already pumping me right through you.  The second I hit her body, my vitamins were pumping all throughout your bloody goodness.  Hey, what’s that growling?

Kidneys:  Oh (slightly bashful and embarrassed) that’s my cousin Colon.  He must not be used to that sudden influx of vitamins and I guess he’s experiencing some kind of orgasmic sensation and moaning loudly as he breaks you down and assists in digesting you.

And this is when I beg for somewhere to hide.  The gas in my stomach is rumbling so loud, it actually sounds like I have just let one fly.  So I asked my doctor what’s going on!  Why do I have to walk around cheeks clenched, afraid to move wrong because I might blow over the person standing next to me.  He said that the body is just adjusting and that it would get better but that I’m doing everything right.  Of course, just as he said that, it sounded like a fleet of jets flying overhead but it was just my stomach again.  So I am learning to take it slow.  That and no sudden movements.

And I shall not be deterred!  I’d like to share a recipe with you courtesy of (I love this woman!).  It’s a simple smoothie.  One that I cannot get enough of.  It’s a great way to sneak greens into your daily diet without being bonzai’d by the fact that you’re eating healthy.  It doesn’t get any easier than this smoothie either!  The best part?  No gas!

Classic Green Smoothie
serves 1


2-3 large handfuls of fresh spinach
1 cup almond milk, or water
1/2 cup frozen berries
1-2 bananas (frozen or fresh)
juice of 1/2 lemon
dash of cinnamon

(Recipe is property of

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