Enough salads already!

Here’s my wrap up to the first week of my new diet:

After day 3:  I found myself skipping breakfast and my morning snack so that I would make sure that I had enough food servings left to eat in the evenings.  My real challenge was not going berserk in the evenings when I was at home.  I’m in Ohio and winter is coming (cue Ned Stark)…so that means soups, hot foods, lots of potatoes.  Not really salad weather.

In the north, we take our winters with a side of beef. And bacon. Lots of bacon.

After seven days of non-processed foods, lots of water, and lots of veggies, the biggest difference I’ve seen so far has been in my complexion.  My cheeks (the ones on my face, perv) look great!  And my pants hooked a little easier after Wednesday, so that was another positive that I noticed.  I feel like I have to make a disclaimer with my pants: if a sharp object takes out your eye, it is the button from my pants, which has gone projectile from binge eating the night before.

I don’t weigh in until tomorrow morning, so number wise, I’m not sure of the benefits yet.  I do feel like I have more energy.  I haven’t done much in the way of exercise.  I’ve been really tired and I think it may be because of so few calories.  So…I broke the blast off week yesterday and gave myself a few extra portions of protein and starches.  I ended up sleeping until 11am this morning.  Not exactly the energy injection that I was hoping for.  This is why I have coffee.

We did eat McDonald’s for dinner last night and my stomach feels awful for it.  My colon is probably wondering how it went from processing baby carrots all week to cheese with the same chemical composition as jet fuel and it is letting me know it.  Tomorrow starts my regular plan with the Food Mover system.  I have an extremely busy week coming up, which may or may not include a new member of our family (it will have fur and not be human) but I really need to make it a point to fit exercise in.  I’ll just lower the home thermostat and force myself to have a desire to stay warm!

Update on Hell Week

For those of you that read my blog regularly, ahem, I’ll assume that is ALL of you, you’ll remember that I last wrote about my fat killing intense eating plan that I have to follow the first week of my latest adventure into downsizing my butt cheeks (and the rest of my body).

Here’s a brief overview of the past few days (I started this nightmare on Monday):

Day 1: The hubs oversleeps.  I proceed to freak out, causing him sudden heart arrhythmia because he overslept.  The hubs made it to work on time because Jesus Loves Me (this I know)…

Then I go back to bed, whereupon, I proceed to oversleep.  I laid in bed briefly for a few minutes in denial and mumble something about the time change and then realize the time change was last week and not a justifiable excuse to be late to work.  I run into the bathroom, turn the shower on and nothing.  Suddenly, a few streams run out of the showerhead and I go to turn the water up higher and the faucet nozzle flops worthlessly, like “oh no you didn’t just wake up late and turn me on!”  I stand there in disbelief, angrily muttering “cut me slack world, I start a diet today!”  So I perch on the side of the tub, pull up You Tube (because I can always count on You Tube) and find a guy fixing a faucet fixture just like ours!  And voila, within a few minutes, I am showered, clean and spiffy-fied (that’s a word, look it up).

After all that crap, I still have the diet to start.  I missed breakfast, didn’t have coffee, and had no snack prepared for my morning snack.  By the time lunch rolls around, I’m not as hungry as I thought I’d be but I made my salad.  Unfortunately, when the smell of food from the cafeteria hit me,  I experienced hunger pains, not at all unlike what I imagine labor to be like or a kidney stone, and jet back to my desk and eat my vinegar and oil covered salad.  I finish the salad and my stomach starts growling again.  Nice.  Only 6.5 more days of this.

Came home, had dinner.  I was still hungry but was out of food allowances for the day so I sat and complained to the hubs about everything that I can’t eat and I begin to hallucinate about Hershey’s syrup and drinking it straight from the bottle.  I went to bed, tired, hungry, and slightly agitated that the hubs had the audacity to bring a cup of mac and cheese into the bedroom and eat it in front of me, all the while lecturing me on being dramatic about my diet.  True story.

Day 2:  The morning was fine, I had coffee and woke up at a decent time.  Lunch time comes and I’m suddenly angry.  Angry that people are eating bacon cheeseburgers.  Angry that the guy in front of me is having cheese and ranch dressing on his salad.  Angry that the skinny girl in line in front of me is eating a bag of chips and a Butterfinger for her lunch.  By 2:30, resentment towards the whole world has set in.  Here are some quotes from me while pouting that I can’t have more than 5 pretzel sticks for my afternoon snack:  The Food Network is an empire of evil.  Taco Bell, yeah, they’re commies.  Who just said Snickers?  I swear I will hurt someone – who said it, who just said Snickers?!?  What do you mean I’m not eating enough?  No crappin’ crap, I told you I was hungry – you think I just made that up???

Later on, I treat myself to a massage.  It was excellent.  Dinner followed.  Dinner went well, because I had saved up my food portions to have a big dinner.  So now here I sit, just sorta kinda hungry and trying to keep myself busy so that I don’t run out to my kitchen cupboards and devour the container of salted sunflower seeds that I know are sitting out there lonely and unloved.  Oh, don’t worry, I’ll resist food for tonight.  Someone told me a great saying recently and I wanted to share it with you because I have it hanging up at my desk at work and keep chanting it to myself in my head over and over and it is really helping me through this:  what we eat in private, we wear in public.

Feel free to share any horrible diet experiences below so that I know it can get worse:)

My newest adventure

A few weeks ago, I ordered the Food Mover by Richard Simmons.  The Food Mover is a system that helps with portion control, reminds you to drink water, helps you stay motivated and rubs it in your face that the salad you just ate with 2 pounds of ranch dressing and bacon on it, just blew your calorie count for the entire day.  I have a love/hate relationship with the Food Mover.  I love it when I’m losing weight.  I hate it because it sits there in all its judgmental glory as I try to hide my fatty indulgences from it – but I know it sees me cheat.  Yeah, it can be a real bastard.

The Food Mover in all its splendor.

The Food Mover has been around for a while.  And no, it did not come with striped shorts covered in Swarovski crystals.  Dammit.  I would have rocked those shorts.  Although, Richard does have better legs than I do, so maybe that’s why I didn’t get the shorts with my order.

The Food Mover has these little windows for each portion that Richard has decided you get depending on what your current weight is (not your wanna be weight).  But first, you must survive the dreaded Blast Off Week.  Blast Off Week, or as I’ve termed it, touch-my-pretzel-sticks-and-I’ll-lay-the-smack-down-on-you-week.  Blast Off Week is extremely restrictive.  Some people think too restrictive.  It’s more the psychology of Blast Off Week that is important.  Richard is proving to you that you can survive without overeating.  I’ve done Blast Off Week before and the first few days are rough, but it gets easier.  It’s just convincing yourself that you won’t die after not eating McDonald’s for 7 days.  Every lunch, for 7 days, is a salad.  Every breakfast consists of fiber.  And every snack, consists of something small, i.e. 6 frozen grapes.  Are you effin kidding me?  I curse you Richard!  About 10 years ago, I did Blast Off Week, and I sat down to my measly snack of baby carrots and the hubs reached over and swiped a baby carrot.  What followed was an expletive filled rant that would have made Christian Bale blush. Never steal food from a woman on a diet!  By the way, you should have seen the hubs’ face when I told him that I was doing Blast Off Week this week.  I really had to laugh at the fear that came across his face.  Then he mumbled something about checking into the local Holiday Inn for a few days.

I fully appreciate Blast Off Week – once it’s over.  Then I escalate from around 800-1000 calories a day up to my normal calorie count, which will be 1800 calories a day.  After going from a week of low calories to 1800 calories, you wind up finding that you have a hard time eating all that food!  And that is the pure (evil) genius of Blast Off Week.

For each portion, you have a little window.  When you consume that portion, you close the window.  When you say your little daily motivation quote, you close the window.  Take vitamins?  Close the window afterwards.  It’s small enough that I can throw it in my purse and carry it everywhere.

Say hello to my little friend!

To all family, friends, co-workers and loved ones, who encounter an angry, moody, Joan Crawford-ish verision of me this week, know that it’s not you, it’s me…and that you kind of resemble deep fried chicken and that I’m pissed that I can’t eat you.