Update on Hell Week

For those of you that read my blog regularly, ahem, I’ll assume that is ALL of you, you’ll remember that I last wrote about my fat killing intense eating plan that I have to follow the first week of my latest adventure into downsizing my butt cheeks (and the rest of my body).

Here’s a brief overview of the past few days (I started this nightmare on Monday):

Day 1: The hubs oversleeps.  I proceed to freak out, causing him sudden heart arrhythmia because he overslept.  The hubs made it to work on time because Jesus Loves Me (this I know)…

Then I go back to bed, whereupon, I proceed to oversleep.  I laid in bed briefly for a few minutes in denial and mumble something about the time change and then realize the time change was last week and not a justifiable excuse to be late to work.  I run into the bathroom, turn the shower on and nothing.  Suddenly, a few streams run out of the showerhead and I go to turn the water up higher and the faucet nozzle flops worthlessly, like “oh no you didn’t just wake up late and turn me on!”  I stand there in disbelief, angrily muttering “cut me slack world, I start a diet today!”  So I perch on the side of the tub, pull up You Tube (because I can always count on You Tube) and find a guy fixing a faucet fixture just like ours!  And voila, within a few minutes, I am showered, clean and spiffy-fied (that’s a word, look it up).

After all that crap, I still have the diet to start.  I missed breakfast, didn’t have coffee, and had no snack prepared for my morning snack.  By the time lunch rolls around, I’m not as hungry as I thought I’d be but I made my salad.  Unfortunately, when the smell of food from the cafeteria hit me,  I experienced hunger pains, not at all unlike what I imagine labor to be like or a kidney stone, and jet back to my desk and eat my vinegar and oil covered salad.  I finish the salad and my stomach starts growling again.  Nice.  Only 6.5 more days of this.

Came home, had dinner.  I was still hungry but was out of food allowances for the day so I sat and complained to the hubs about everything that I can’t eat and I begin to hallucinate about Hershey’s syrup and drinking it straight from the bottle.  I went to bed, tired, hungry, and slightly agitated that the hubs had the audacity to bring a cup of mac and cheese into the bedroom and eat it in front of me, all the while lecturing me on being dramatic about my diet.  True story.

Day 2:  The morning was fine, I had coffee and woke up at a decent time.  Lunch time comes and I’m suddenly angry.  Angry that people are eating bacon cheeseburgers.  Angry that the guy in front of me is having cheese and ranch dressing on his salad.  Angry that the skinny girl in line in front of me is eating a bag of chips and a Butterfinger for her lunch.  By 2:30, resentment towards the whole world has set in.  Here are some quotes from me while pouting that I can’t have more than 5 pretzel sticks for my afternoon snack:  The Food Network is an empire of evil.  Taco Bell, yeah, they’re commies.  Who just said Snickers?  I swear I will hurt someone – who said it, who just said Snickers?!?  What do you mean I’m not eating enough?  No crappin’ crap, I told you I was hungry – you think I just made that up???

Later on, I treat myself to a massage.  It was excellent.  Dinner followed.  Dinner went well, because I had saved up my food portions to have a big dinner.  So now here I sit, just sorta kinda hungry and trying to keep myself busy so that I don’t run out to my kitchen cupboards and devour the container of salted sunflower seeds that I know are sitting out there lonely and unloved.  Oh, don’t worry, I’ll resist food for tonight.  Someone told me a great saying recently and I wanted to share it with you because I have it hanging up at my desk at work and keep chanting it to myself in my head over and over and it is really helping me through this:  what we eat in private, we wear in public.

Feel free to share any horrible diet experiences below so that I know it can get worse:)

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