I love snow and people hate me for it!

We have up to 10 inches of snow headed for us and I’m so giddy that I could tinkle! I love winter! I’d live in the Arctic if I could. However,  I’m sure the polar bear community would see a cute little chunker like me and munch me down buffet style.

I cheer every time there’s a call for snow. The hubs, my friends and co-workers find this to be annoying. I just can’t help it! It’s white purity covers up the dead grass, bare trees and black topped driveways.

On this Super Bowl weekend, while the rest of America is watching Tom Brady and his under inflated balls, I will be sitting in my window waiting for the flakes to drop!

Body Butter you can eat. But it tastes gross.

Last weekend, I finally got around to making my homemade body butter.  I pulled the recipe from a website.  The recipe had two ingredients in it – raw shea butter and olive oil.  I threw in a few drops of essential oil for a scent.  It turned out simply awful.  I’m not blaming the website because I screw up recipes often.  The Hubs could write a book on this.  I think it’s more a case of that maybe, I don’t, well perhaps, I may not, ahem, always follow directions.  Because most of the time, I think I know more than the directions.  So in defense of that website, chances are, the issue was me.

I had to find another body butter recipe because I still had 12 ounces of raw, organic, un-something-something shea butter leftover and truth be told, I’m not really sure what the hell shea butter is or what to do with it.  So I found another recipe and tried again.

The new recipe involved the shea butter, coconut oil, almond oil and my choice of essential oil for a scent.  First off, you have to make this little double boiler thingy with a sauce pan.  The author just put the ingredients directly into the saucepan but I had visions of myself starting a raw shea butter fire so I thought that I had better go the double boiler route.  The first time that I did this, I picked a bowl the same circumference of the saucepan so I couldn’t get the bowl out of the saucepan without burning my fingers so lesson learned.  Usually I don’t learn a lesson so I counted this is as a small, sweet victory.  I put a large strainer inside the saucepan and then a bowl inside the strainer – so more like, a triple boiler.  Safety first, what a concept.

I threw in the shea butter, coconut oil, then realized that my almond oil was not almond oil but apricot kernel oil.  So I substituted that for the almond oil.  After that, I then realized that the almond oil/apricot oil wasn’t supposed to go into the double boiler at all.  I’m already thinking it’s a good thing that I still have 8 more ounces of shea butter to use because I’ve obviously already screwed this batch up too.

The recipe said that if it’s cold out, just stick the bowl outside to “set” for half an hour.  So I did that.  It did not work.  I threw the bowl into the fridge for 40 minutes and that did the trick.  I started whipping as instructed and wondered how fast my beaters go on high.  Pretty darn fast, unfortunately this throws the beaters everywhere and I really don’t know how to use handheld mixers that well.  Luckily, the body butter is supposed to end up with that whipped look.  One thing that appealed to me about this recipe is that in the picture, it looks like whipped cream.  And so did my finished product.  And then I thought since all the products are indeed edible, does it taste like whipped cream?  So I scooped some up with my finger and shoved it in my mouth.  It does not taste like whipped cream.  Maybe more of a bathtub caulk taste?  Not that I’ve ever eaten bathtub caulk, at least, not intentionally.

I also added 6 drops of doTerra’s Citrus Bliss essential oil. (I later read that the author used 20 drops of oil.  Truth be told, I just noticed that when I went to post the link to the article just now.  Explains why mine still smells like shea butter.) It turned out great!  I smeared it all over myself yesterday and couldn’t wait to dip into it again today!  Also, supposedly you can use this for shaving but the last time that I used oil for shave cream, I ended up with a clogged razor and since razors aren’t cheap, I still used the clogged razor and had unevenly shaven armpits for about three weeks.

Body Butter

My finished product!

The whole point of making your own homemade body butter is to cut down on the amount of chemicals that we are putting into and onto our bodies.  There are a lot of preservatives that go into most commercial lotions.  Good health is not limited to what you are putting into your body but also what you are putting onto it.

Here is the link to the recipe that I used.  Let me know if you decided to try it or have already made your own!  And if it tasted better than mine:)


My scale is a commie

I weighed in today. After two weeks of no pop, eating better, drinking lots of water and losing 5 pounds in week one, I lost…nothing in week 2. Insert wtf here. In fact, I gained a pound. This can’t be accurate. Right?

I’ve come to the conclusion that my scale is a jackass. And a commie. It was made in China. And wouldn’t China want us to think that Americans aren’t losing weight so that we keep stuffing our fat, gelatinous faces so that when their time of attack comes, we are too fat to get off the couch and do our Bonzai shit and counterattack??? Obviously I’ve given this entirely too much thought.

Years ago, while embarking on a new Body of Steel adventure,  Ms. Steel herself, Tamilee Webb says “I don’t use a scale, don’t own one, get rid of it!” And I remembered thinking yeah right. My scale is the only thing keeping me in check. But obviously the scale is not keeping me in check or I wouldn’t have a Dimples in the Wrong Cheeks blog, I’d have a Check Out My Silky Smooth Muscular Toned Ass Cheeks blog.

I’m going to put the scale away. In another room. Hidden behind things. So I don’t have to hear it snicker as I try to hook my pants. That condescending digitized bastard. Buh bye scale. We shall meet again on February 1st, just to show you I can lose weight. Actually I just want to whip you out on February 1st and stomp on your stupid, plastic black encasement,  chanting say my name, say it!!!

My name is Heather…and I’m a pop-aholic.

Two weeks ago, I decided I would allow myself to only indulge in one can of pop a day – if I drink all my water. The first few days, I had not drank all my water, so no pop. (I’m gunning for 80 ozs. of water/day by the way.)

I decided, I can do this, I can quit drinking pop cold turkey. In two weeks, I have noticed the following: my skin feels better, I’m super thirsty for water, no late night cravings for carb rich foods (chips and Skittles were my go tos), and I’m not sluggish by 6pm. And, since I’m nearing 40, my bladder doesn’t hold as much, so I burn about 11,000 calories a day running to pee every 10 minutes. Nature’s cardio I suppose.

The first week of no pop, I lost 5 pounds. Quitting pop was the only change I had made. I had probably been eating less, because I didn’t have near the food cravings.

On week 2, I exercised, cooked meals at home, and ate lots of veggies. I weigh in tomorrow so I’m a little eager to see if I’ve lost anything. 

If I don’t lose anything, I promise that I won’t have a meltdown like I did last week in a store fitting room over the fashion industry’s lack of universal pant sizes. And who the hell decides that skinny jeans belong in the plus size section? I mean really. I unknowingly grabbed a pair and looked like someone trying to cram themselves into a Go-gurt tube.

That’s enough for tonight. I’m out of time. I have another 20 ozs. of water to drink which converts to 40 laps to the bathroom for pee time.

Check, check, check

No pop…check
Washed makeup off…check
Cooked dinner…check

All of the above represent areas that I am lacking in. And I did them all tonight. Now if I can just keep this streak rolling for the rest of my life, I’m good. Oy.

Not long ago, I spoke with a lady who is a health nut. I asked her how she juggled taking care of her body, a career and housework.  She chuckled and said “housework fell by the wayside years ago, it fits in when it fits in.”  That statement was huge to me. it may sound silly but that statement took so much pressure off me.  I immediately thought you mean, I don’t have to be perfect? 

Just so you all know, the stars will not align like this for me every night. I will never have a check off list like the one above every night. I’d be thrilled if I could do it two nights in a row, frankly.

My big focus right now is the exercise. I have to exercise. There’s no bones about it. My knees are hurting lately. A lot. And it’s from being overweight.  Chips aren’t worth it. But, oh sista, I AM WORTH IT. I am worth 30 minutes of gut wrenching,  booty jiggling, muscle aching exercise. And by this time next year, throw a quarter at me. Then stand back in amazement when that coin catapults off my butt cheeks like a monkey on a trampoline. Which I’ve never witnessed but imagine to be pretty flippin’ amazing. Kind of like my derrière will be. Hooyah.

On the road, again

Tomorrow I start yet another diet. I’m starting with small goals. Drink lots of water, eat all my veggies, daily exercise, and don’t eat a skinny person if I become totally desperate for a snack.

It sounds so simple when I lay it out like that. And it could be, if only I didn’t push my goals out of my mind all in the name of chips and caramel saturated anything.

Getting healthy will be number one goal for a very long time. It will be my focus, my obsession and my caramel;)  I’m nearing 40. No more games. No more if only I could fit in that moments. 

Tonight I watched an interview with Amy van Dyken. She’s an Olympic athlete who has recently been paralyzed due to an auto accident. She works her ass off trying to regain her ability to walk. She believes she will walk again, she WANTS to walk again. So as I sit here on my ass, with my two good legs sitting idle, I will let the tears of Amy van Dyken guilt trip me into getting my dimpled ass cheeks on a regimen.

What’s your 2015 fitness regimen look like?

My @#!&^ resolutions

Ah New Year’s Day.  The day when we start to fulfill those obligatory resolutions. Most times I don’t even bother. As a kid, I did the whole “I’ll listen better, keep my room cleaner, etc.” while my mom did the whole “yeah, I’ll give you til noon” look.

Here are of my few resolutions:
*lose weight
*start a new habit every month: drink all my water, no pop, wash my makeup off at night, etc.
*avoid jail time (hoping I nail this one)
*wake up earlier (I always fail at this one because I believe I’m naturally nocturnal so if I wake up earlier, then I have to go to bed earlier, so redundant,  let’s put this one on the ‘if I need more resolutions’ back up list)
*exercise 30 minutes every day (excluding today because it’s a federal holiday and Jesus would want me to chill)

For my first month’s habit, I am instituting prima nocta. Gotcha. Kidding. I’ve always wanted to say that. But I’m not gay and will not be porking virginal brides on their wedding night. That would be a helluva resolution though. “Yo hubs! I’ve decided to be that horny old king from Braveheart and change teams for a month. It’s cool though, I’ll be back in 30 days.”

Where was I? Oh yeah, the first habit: drink all my water for 30 days. And document it. In pictures. I will post the pictures but only if I look better after the 30 days. Far be it from me to de-motivate someone because I look worse afterwards.  Did you guys see the pictures of the lady that did this? Her hair, skin, lips all looked better!

So I need to be disciplined because I’d like to have better skin, better hair and all that jazz because right now Ohio wind has my skin dried out and my hair frizzy. Picture this: if Gargamel (winging the spelling) and 80s Stevie Nicks had a love child, I would be the fruit of their loins.

What are your resolutions?