Bicycle seats

What is it with bicycle seats? At the store, they look cushy and gushy but when you get them home they’ve suddenly become filled with spikes and barbed wire.

My ass is certainly well padded to tolerate a steel beam meshed tightly into my cheeks…or so I thought. Somehow this piece of barbarism has found my gluteus boneus’s and it kills. And the post mortem wedgie that follows – aye carumba! I swear I can feel my underwear in my throat!

It’s not enough that my cheeks overlap this seat and flap in the breeze when riding along but now I’m clenching my cheeks (all 4 of them) resulting in a pained constipated look. And Lance Armstrong has been faulted for juicing in this sport? I’m willing to bet that I know right where those steroid injections went. Straight into his butt cheeks!

Signing off…with one hand and picking a wedgie with another!

Tales of a disruptive sneezer

I have allergies. I’m allergic to mold. That’s it -according to a nurse who poked me with 800 different allergens. This is why I’m confused as to why I sneeze no less than 60 times a day, every day. It’s annoying.

When I sneeze, I’m not one of those feminine sneezers. You know the kind that quietly squeak out a tiny ah-choo when they sneeze? Are you freaking kidding me with that? I’m more of a blowing papers off my desk kind of sneezer. And my sneeze always spews forth plenty of saliva. Then I follow up with the nose blowing of all nose blowing. I wake babies up, rattle glass in a window pane, stop a circus act dead in its tracks with my sneeze/kleenex follow up routine. In short, it’s a spectacle.

I’ve tried to be more ladylike but I have found that trying to harness the sneeze beast can result in burping, a coughing fit, wetting my pants or the dreaded pffft out the back end.  So when I sneeze, I make sure to get it all out via sneeze. Every few days, I get that wonderful no it isn’t boogers, my nose is peeling look. And then I have to smear Vaseline, medicated Chapstick or my cherry lip gloss on my nose to soothe the 3rd degree tissue burns.

Oh won’t it be nice when the NyQuil people make a medicine for me? Try our sniffling, sneezing, scare your neighbor nose blowing, wetting your pants, trying not to fart at work allergy medicine.