Day 14 – Whole 30: You can’t handle the truth.

I’m halfway done.  I could look at this as I’m only halfway done or yeehaw, I’m halfway done.  Yeah, I’m only halfway done.  I’m at a point where my chipper attitude towards this new plan has gone down the drain.  I want to be done.  I’m sick of reading the ingredients of everything I want to eat.  I’m tired of getting excited that I’ve found an approved bbq sauce only to find sugar on the list.

So I told y’all that I had a health issue that went away.  Which is great.  It makes me happy.  But other than that, I do not see a difference.  Don’t forget, this is an honest, unapologetic review of my experience and I’m not going to lie.  My clothes are not any looser.  I don’t look any different.  I feel moody, irritable, annoyed that I can’t eat pizza and chips and omg, I’m screaming to try that Reese’s peanut butter cup coffee creamer.  And today, at the grocery store, I smacked the hubs because he pointed out Deep Fried Twinkies to me in frozen foods.

I am eating a ton of veggies.  Know what’s bad about having to eat so many veggies?  You have to keep fresh veggies in the house which means going to the grocery store often.  There are few things in this world that I abhor more than grocery shopping.

I checked in with my Whole 30 buddy S.  S is not struggling at all.  In fact, she doesn’t see what the big deal is.  I remind myself, S is younger than me, thinner than me, and ate a whole lot better than I did.  But for me, the FREAKING STRUGGLE IS REAL!

Here is S.  Enjoying her Whole 30 experience.

And here’s me.  Picture it:  Woman on diet in 2017.

I went through this crazy sugar craving stage.  Then, I went through a dairy stage.  Now I’m back to I just want to eat everything stage.  I’m hanging on because I need to prove to myself that I can do it.  I really do not find myself just plain hungry.  I find myself pouting because I’m not eating what I really want to eat.  And I’ve discovered some recipes that are really good.  And I guess I do get a certain satisfaction of creating a 5 ingredient home cooked meal as opposed to something frozen that looks like the chem team at NASA developed the ingredients.

I have 16 more days left.  16 more days to endure what I can’t have.  16 more days of living off of home cooked, freshly prepared, wholesome ingredient foods.  But as God as my witness, in that 16 days if there is a food breakthrough of kale that tastes like candy corn,  you’ll find me in produce doing this:

Whole 30 Day 9 – I’m hungry. What’re you looking at? 

It is Day 9. According to Whole 30, by day 10 and 11, you are most likely to quit. I can see why. I’m hungry. And if you even tell me to drink more water, I’m going to punch you in the face. 

I’m tired.  But it’s fall and getting darker early but I’d rather blame the fact that I could be shot gunning candy corn right now. Omg. The sugar. It’s all I want. And it’s Halloween so it’s freaking everywhere. 

Why is there no damn acceptable form of chocolate? SOMEONE INVENT APPROVED CHOCOLATE! 

There’s a Halloween parade in my town right now and I didn’t go because I had visions of myself beating a Teletubby to death with his own bag of Tootsie Rolls. 

Gotta go. Need to spank a Larabar. 

Whole 30…and the beat goes on…

Day 6 is here! I don’t think I’ve ever been this committed to a plan such as this. I have to give a big thank you to my diet buddy S.  She really keeps me in check. Not to say I haven’t had my struggles. I came home the other night and the hubs had made pizza. (Note: the hubs has been EXTREMELY considerate but he is not doing the challenge.  And I don’t expect him to.)

I’ve had two major struggles: sugar and bread. And sugar is in bread so that explains that. Actually, sugar is in everything. Everything! Even items marked as sweetened with Stevia or Splenda still have sugar in them. (I’m aware Splenda is a sugar derivative. )

I did score a major victory. Bacon. I finally found uncured, no sugar bacon. I fried up a few slices and dipped it in my guacamole. I’d never eaten anything so delicious. Could be the hunger talking. I said the same thing about the cranberries I put in my almond butter the other day.

I’ve also had an NSV (the plan terms these as non scale victories because weighing yourself during the 30 days is forbidden forcing you to look at other signs that you’re succeeding).  I’ve been having issues with my legs for the past 4 years and guess what. By Day 4, it was gone. I won’t go into details because, well, boundaries people, but I’m thrilled with this NSV.  

Later today we have a family function and it’s going to be tough but I’m not giving in. When the food breaks out, I’m going to head over and distract myself with my in law’s new puppy. Puppies don’t judge☺

Day 2 and 3 – Whole 30:  Bonzai Danielson! 

I tried to post last night about Day 2 but Facebook wouldn’t allow it and I was too tired to try again. Day 2 left me feeling blah. I was drained physically, emotionally and hungry. Remember in Apollo 13 when the guy says he’s so hungry, he could eat the ass off a dead rhinoceros?  I could identify with his plight. And…I broke down and cheated in the form of a cake pop. It was the hubs’ birthday and he looked so sad and lonely eating his lil cake pop by himself. He insisted he was fine (I could tell it was denial, he needed me to eat that sugar).  It so wasn’t worth it. The satisfaction was fleeting and replaced by guilt. And I was still hungry. I crashed out early. I was exhausted.  

That brings me to today, Day 3. I feel pretty good! I wasn’t hungry all day and made myself eat lunch. A quick trip to Wal Mart ruined all that. I walked by the in store Subway. As they were baking bread. I was suddenly Nancy Kerrigan on the floor screaming why, why, why. 

At Wal Mart,  I found some sausage I can have and LaraBars!  Honestly, if I hadn’t found those LaraBars, y’all would be reading Yahoo about the woman who catapulted herself over the Subway counter and punched a bread oven while yelling “bonzai Danielson!”.  Crisis averted. I don’t know who Lara is but damnnn girl, your bars are good. And kept me out of prison! 

I wouldn’t say the suffering has been suffering. I’ve been on far more restrictive diets and done more degrading things for carbs. But then again, it’s only Day 3😉

Let this tie you over until tomorrow…

Whole 30 – Day 1

12 hours in and I’m still going strong!  Don’t mean to brag but yeah, it’s true.  That’s a lie.  By 10am, I was asking myself why I am doing this.  The hubs’ birthday is tomorrow and I had bought some baked goods from a girl at work.  So all day long, I sat next to a pan of sugary delights.  Didn’t cry once.  Thank you. Thank you very much.

I had left in a rush this morning and…yep, forgot my lunch.  S, of course, was completely prepared with something right out of a Greek kitchen.  It looked delicious.  Lucky for me, my work has a cafeteria so I was able to run down and grab some roasted potatoes and roasted broccoli.  It sustained me for a few hours until my stomach started getting jiggy with it and I had to scarf down my little cup o’fruit I bought and then cracked open some pistachios.

Image result for stomach growling

Surviving work time hours on a diet really isn’t my biggest hurdle.  It’s when I get home.  My little sanctuary awaited me.  I threw some steak tips in a skillet and sautéed some zucchini, carrots and broccoli and was a happy camper.  I’m also not feeling water.  I’ve drank a lot of water today but for my dinner I wanted something a little exciting so I broke out a can of LaCroix cranberry carbonated water (Whole 30 approved).  Now, I’ve not had sparkling water in a very long time and I’ll tell you why.  It tastes horrid.  It literally tastes like someone took a cup of salt water, put a cranberry in that cup and the cranberry farted and bam…bubbles and yuck.  But I drank it because I paid for it so I’m drinking it.  Gulp gulp cranberry fart water.

My exercise routine was cut out today because, well, I don’t want to do it.  It’s all my neighbors’ fault.  My neighbors on both sides of me decided to mow and well, I had to mow because if I don’t, people driving down the street are going to see a landscaped mohawk in our neighborhood all because I couldn’t get my ass out there to mow because I’m doing Whole 30 and am weak.  So I mowed, cooked dinner, chopped a crap ton of veggies, threw chicken in a crockpot, did dishes and drank sparkling cranberry fart water.  All in all, I’m doing great!

Image result for tony the tiger they're great

My Whole 30 Journey – Pre Day 1

I have decided to try the Whole 30 program.  For those of you who do not know what Whole 30 is, it is a 30 Day plan with a whole lot of restrictions and you follow it for a whole 30 days.  To learn more, click here:  https://whole30.com/.  It’s designed for you to follow to the letter for 30 days, no cheating, no excuses and no sympathy.  Also, no sugar, no sweeteners, no dairy, no grains, no fun, no hot fudge sundaes, no waffles, ooops, got a little sidetracked there.

A friend told me to journal this process.  However, I’m an overachiever and want to share my pain so I’ve decided to blog it.  I’m also fortunate to have a friend who has decided to do this with me so that I have a support system.

My whole 30 buddy, whom I shall refer to as “S”, is one of those young, blonde, naturally beautiful people.  That type always needs a chubby, sharp tongued brunette sidekick, i.e. me.  S is on fire for Whole 30.  And took on a somewhat sinister demeanor when she told me “you better do this.”  I gotta tell ya, I outweigh S substantially, but I was a little frightened of her when she said that to me.

Today I threw together my Whole 30 shopping list, sat on the couch and pondered what my last sopping fat meal will be that will tie me over for the next 30 days.  I’ve been eating horribly for the past few days to get it out of my system so my fat creativity was shot and all I came up with was a box of this:   Cheese Enchilada

How bad ass, right?  However, I won’t be allowed to indulge in anything in this enchilada for the next 30 days so whatevs.  After spending an hour and a half at the grocery store, walking past aisle after aisle of what I can’t eat, searching for a coconut milk that I can use in my coffee (yeah, I can keep coffee so that I won’t pile up a body count) I finally hit the checkout.  This was after I rounded a corner and ran into a cart piled high with Halloween candy.  Which I will see everyday from now until the end of the month, because let’s face it, I live in the fattest country in the world and that’s how we roll.  Literally, we can roll…especially if you knock us down.

Here is how I foresee the next 30 days:  yelling, crying, wondering why I signed up for this, crying a little more, denial (cauliflower is my friend).

Image result for crying while eatin broccoli

Oh, and Whole 30 expects me to exercise.  Because they wouldn’t be completely sadistic if they didn’t expect you to exercise.  I look forward to sharing this journey with you.  It will be completely honest, uncensored, no holds barred blogging.

What’s the worst diet experience you’ve ever had?