Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt

Time to dish out the honesty that my blog is becoming so well known for and stop denying the obvious.  I have fallen off the wagon.  I’ve lost my mojo.  I screwed the pooch.  I am struggling to get back into the swing of things.  I had a rough week at work a few weeks ago and have struggled to get back into the habit of exercise and eating right. 

I’d like to establish something.  I am a former smoker (courtesy of acupuncture).  This is the first time that I’ve ever had to lose weight without smoking.  But at 38 years old, I can’t corrupt my body like I used to.  Nothing would bring me more delight than to suckle on the end of a Salem light without any consequences.  Hand delivered by a unicorn surrounded by fairies – a testament to how realistic smoking without consequences is. 

My real problem is lack of energy and time management.  This is totally my fault.  It is also my personality.  I am my own worst enemy in this aspect.  So how do I overcome me?  Hypnotism!  Okay, maybe being hypnotized is a little extreme.  Besides, I’ve always been afraid of being hypnotized ever since I read about a lady that was hypnotized by a perv who taught her to take off her clothes every time a bell rang.  Wouldn’t that just be wonderful when I’m walking down the street and my phone rings?  Or my workout timer goes off?  “Ahhhh, that big girl is getting naked!  Again!”  My neighbors are total prudes.  I can’t take that chance.  Next.

I feel plenty motivated to lose weight.  I want all the good things that come with a smaller body:  cute clothes, non-jiggling buns (make that a non-jiggling anything), approaching a booth at a restaurant without wondering if me and my chest are going to fit into it, wondering how low my car sinks when I get into it, and not having to lie to people that I’m suffering an asthma attack when I hit the third floor on the steps at work (note:  I do not have asthma, I just lie about it so people feel sorry for me). 

I need to get in the zone.  Surround myself with nothing but good health and nutrition.  It’s the same as Jennifer Aniston surrounding herself with a team to keep her beautiful because that’s her livelihood.  So I’m going to need a stylist, chef, personal trainer, my own Botox injection team and a second job, and a third job.  Jennifer surrounds herself with a TEAM to make her stunning.  I need to surround myself with a TEAM to make me healthier.  So far I have a nutritionist, my friend Kim at work (in the dictionary under health nut, it says to see her), people who are following this blog, my doctors, and, most importantly, the hubs.  In fact, just by writing this post, I’m starting to feel in the zone already.  As soon as I’m done, I’m going to go grab some dumbells and pump some iron, all five pounds of it (suck it Rocky).  Because a little something is better than nothing. 

Maybe I can keep this newfound momentum going.  It’s like one of my favorite movies “What About Bob”…baby steps Bob…baby steps to the elevator, baby steps on the bus, baby steps to saying no to McDonald’s, baby steps to stopping at 10 potato chips…baby steps.  This blog is already serving its purpose, i.e. to keep me honest, to record all my ups and downs, to be honest about what a yo-yo dieter goes through and to be the kick in the ass that I desperately need to get back on track when I’ve hit the wall.

So about getting into the zone?  Any suggestions? 


The week that I woke up

This past week has been incredible.  Let me rephrase that.  This past week, I have been incredible.  I have exercised.  I have had extra calories leftover at the end of the day.  In short, I’m kicking ass.


I attribute this awakening to my nutritionist Kerry.  She gave me two simple words this session to practice.  No excuses.  Now, let’s understand how huge this is:  I am a born again procrastinator.  I take procrastination to an art form.  Diet?  I’ll start Monday (first uttered in 2002, then started in 2014).  Dishes?  Let’s just buy paper plates until the Board of Health knocks on the door.  Once, I accidentally peed my pants as a child because I didn’t want to stop shopping to use the restroom…ok, I was 14, moving on. 

For the past decade, I’ve been living life like a snooze bar.  Exercise?  Weight loss?  Housework?  Vacation?  Snoooooooze!  After I left my session with Kerry, I went home and exercised.  The next day, I wouldn’t allow myself to utter a single excuse or put anything off.  Then later in the day, feeling rather saucy, I said to the hubs “I need to exercise, let’s walk for an hour.”  He gave me his famous eyeroll with this “oh great, here she goes again” look.  So we walked.  And walked.  And then I whined.  And whined.  And whined.  “Are we home yet?  Whose stupid idea was this?  Hey a shortcut!  I’m not going to make it.  I think I have diaper rash.”  The hubs wouldn’t let me quit, he kept taunting me, even walking backwards to give me a chance to catch up, which I could not do.  BUT…an hour and six minutes later, we were home.  I had made my goal and walked 4 miles in the process.  This is huge.  Two months ago, I was stopping after five minutes because my back was killing me.  The next day, I wasn’t going to have time to exercise after work, so I worked out on lunch.  Say what?  You heard me!  I jumped on my exercise bike and worked that bad boy.  Then I hauled my tired muscles and slight case of body odor back to work and bragged to anyone who would listen.  Most could have cared less so I made sure to whiff my armpits at them any time I could.  Hey, get on board or smell my b.o.! 

I’ve also been taking the time to faithfully log all my consumed foods into my Fitbit app.  I have been totally slacking on this and now I’m being completely honest because how is the app to know if I ate a King Size Snickers bar and didn’t log it?  So no more Bill Clinton-ing the Fitbit, I’m being honest.  (Side note: I am totally anti-calorie counting and have always refused to do it but my way is obviously not working, thus…I’m counting calories, actually the Fitbit is counting calories, I’m just punching food into my phone.)  It’s crazy how fast calories stack up.  Who decided it was legal for steak to have less calories than ice cream?  Ugh. 

Saturday night, I attended a wedding reception.  Congrats to my friend Sara, my skinny friend Sara, my skinny friend Sara that had mountains of candy and cake at her reception.  I had carefully planned my menu for the day around the nacho bar that I planned to indulge in at the reception.  It was tough keeping myself occupied all day so that I wouldn’t pork out on whatever I could get my hands on but I made sure to keep myself busy and to stay out of the kitchen.  Actually, the kitchen is a disaster right now because we’ve been cooking on the grill all week while doing landscaping so I’ve barely been in the house to clean, so if I had gone to the kitchen for food, I would have been faced with the fact that the kitchen needs cleaned and who needs that kind of pressure when there is a nacho bar waiting for them in a few hours?!?  And let me tell you, I ate those nachos and all the over processed nacho cheese I could handle and did not go over my calorie count for the day.  It was so good.  Honestly, I think I moaned a little.  I’m also spending today, drinking as much water as I can to wash the sodium out of my body but it was a freaking nacho bar! 

To sum up the past week – I have a new found discipline that I have not possessed in a long time.  I’m drinking water, exercising on lunch (wtf?) and limiting my calorie intake.  I didn’t think any of this was possible for me!  I have wanted this discipline, I’ve been searching for it and now I have it.  Hanging onto it will be a whole new battle.  I can win the battle, it may take a couple of nacho bar rewards, but I’m in the zone.  Get on board or smell my b.o.!

Dr. M and the six month checkup


This past week I had to check in with my cardiologist.  Last summer, I checked in for sinus surgery only to find that my blood pressure was 263/195, so up I went to ICU for a week.  Apparently, I have some kind of issue where my body is resistant to efforts to restrain my blood pressure and then proceeds to hike my blood pressure up even more.  There’s a big long story behind it which I don’t feel like sharing so back to checking in with the cardiologist…

My cardiologist, Dr. M, is a pretty awesome dude.  He’s very energetic, positive and sticks to the point.  Dr. M really won me over at “contrary to what you hear about the medical profession, my goal is to never see you again.  You seem like a nice person but I really want to get you off the meds and never need to see you in a medical situation again.  I want you to get things under control.”  When I left his office six months ago, I had a plan.  I was going to exercise, eat right and blow him away with a 50 pound weight loss in six months.  Fast forward to last week…I gained 26 pounds.  From the second that my hyper little nurse said “step on the scale”, I knew it was all downhill from there.  I was fuming.  I believe my exact words were “damn shoes, of course I’d wear the heavy ones today.”  She didn’t even acknowledge me speaking.  By the time Dr. M came in, I started in with the whole I’m exercising, I’ve made big changes and yet I gained weight.  He asked how my eating was and I admitted that I don’t eat the greatest but I’m exercising, doesn’t that count?  He said that yes, the exercise is probably what kept me from gaining more than 26 pounds.  I told him about trying Paleo, going gluten free, etc.  Dr. M looked around and said “I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with those plans but it’s really about burning more calories than you’re taking in. Do you understand that?  You can try anything that you want, but you have got to understand, you have to burn more calories than you eat. That’s it.”  He gave me my paperwork and I asked when he needed to see me again and he said “I don’t.  There’s nothing else I can do.” 

Do you understand what that means?  He’s given up on me.  This wonderful doctor who saved my life in September 2013 has done all he can.  I get it though.  His practice is full of patients who swear they listen to him and yet he obviously can see that they’re not.  How could I even defend myself against being bigger than I was 6 months ago AND my blood pressure elevating again?  I couldn’t.  I had failed.  Dr. M is very passionate about being a cardiologist.  Six months ago, he sat with me and explained all about a healthy heart and what we, yes – he said we, need to do to have a healthy heart.  I was stoked at that appointment and he was stoked that I was stoked.  Then I walked out of there and blew it all off. 

I wanted to run back into his office and beg him to see me in six months, that this time I would have lost weight but why should he believe me?  Between me and Dr. M, he had made a bigger effort than I had.  I was disgusted.  Not at my weight but that I had burst his balloon.  Now I’ll just be another patient to him.  I won’t be his success story.  But stop! Collaborate and listen!  (Couldn’t resist.)  I can be his success story.

I emailed my nutritionist and told her what happened and how upset I was.  I let it all out to her.  She emailed me back and gave me a huge pep talk and chewed me out, both of which I needed.  I woke up the next day at 5:30am and did yoga.  I meditated and decided no more promises six months into the future.  I will focus on today.  One day at a time.  And you know what?  I’ve lost 7 pounds since that appointment but besides that, I’m tracking my food intake and focusing on what I’m putting in my body.  I’m going to hang in there and keep trying.  And someday, I’m going to show up at Dr. M’s office as a success story.  I just know it.