My newest adventure

A few weeks ago, I ordered the Food Mover by Richard Simmons.  The Food Mover is a system that helps with portion control, reminds you to drink water, helps you stay motivated and rubs it in your face that the salad you just ate with 2 pounds of ranch dressing and bacon on it, just blew your calorie count for the entire day.  I have a love/hate relationship with the Food Mover.  I love it when I’m losing weight.  I hate it because it sits there in all its judgmental glory as I try to hide my fatty indulgences from it – but I know it sees me cheat.  Yeah, it can be a real bastard.

The Food Mover in all its splendor.

The Food Mover has been around for a while.  And no, it did not come with striped shorts covered in Swarovski crystals.  Dammit.  I would have rocked those shorts.  Although, Richard does have better legs than I do, so maybe that’s why I didn’t get the shorts with my order.

The Food Mover has these little windows for each portion that Richard has decided you get depending on what your current weight is (not your wanna be weight).  But first, you must survive the dreaded Blast Off Week.  Blast Off Week, or as I’ve termed it, touch-my-pretzel-sticks-and-I’ll-lay-the-smack-down-on-you-week.  Blast Off Week is extremely restrictive.  Some people think too restrictive.  It’s more the psychology of Blast Off Week that is important.  Richard is proving to you that you can survive without overeating.  I’ve done Blast Off Week before and the first few days are rough, but it gets easier.  It’s just convincing yourself that you won’t die after not eating McDonald’s for 7 days.  Every lunch, for 7 days, is a salad.  Every breakfast consists of fiber.  And every snack, consists of something small, i.e. 6 frozen grapes.  Are you effin kidding me?  I curse you Richard!  About 10 years ago, I did Blast Off Week, and I sat down to my measly snack of baby carrots and the hubs reached over and swiped a baby carrot.  What followed was an expletive filled rant that would have made Christian Bale blush. Never steal food from a woman on a diet!  By the way, you should have seen the hubs’ face when I told him that I was doing Blast Off Week this week.  I really had to laugh at the fear that came across his face.  Then he mumbled something about checking into the local Holiday Inn for a few days.

I fully appreciate Blast Off Week – once it’s over.  Then I escalate from around 800-1000 calories a day up to my normal calorie count, which will be 1800 calories a day.  After going from a week of low calories to 1800 calories, you wind up finding that you have a hard time eating all that food!  And that is the pure (evil) genius of Blast Off Week.

For each portion, you have a little window.  When you consume that portion, you close the window.  When you say your little daily motivation quote, you close the window.  Take vitamins?  Close the window afterwards.  It’s small enough that I can throw it in my purse and carry it everywhere.

Say hello to my little friend!

To all family, friends, co-workers and loved ones, who encounter an angry, moody, Joan Crawford-ish verision of me this week, know that it’s not you, it’s me…and that you kind of resemble deep fried chicken and that I’m pissed that I can’t eat you.